Why Should Democrats Vote For Me?

I want to be President. I want it so bad. You may have heard me scream in a shrill voice. You may have heard me cackle like a mad-woman about my personal failure to make anything good happen for the health care system during the nineties. You may have witnessed that I pretend to forgive my letch of a husband. You may recognize that I will change my position at will as the sentiment of the voting public shifts over time.

Why do I behave in these bizzarro ways? Because I am a determined faux-socialist. I have been personally commited for forty years to the idea that a privileged and intellectual few must rule the world under the guise of socialism. Bill and I have become one of the richest couples in America ... and I find it to be hysterical that many of you idiot voters look to me as some sort of champion for the poor. I plan to rule you and to take money from the people who have earned it and give it freely to those who have not. And for that, many of you will love me. Enough of you that you will vote me into the nomination ... and ultimately into the white house.

You are fools, and I am brilliant. This is why you will vote for me ... instead of the ridiculous idealist named Obama. Do it.

TFH

Pimping Out My Daughter

I just want to clarify why I am so outraged at the tasteless language of David Shuster from MSNBC. Mr. Shuster absolutely deserves the suspension that he has received from this normally and appropriately socialist network for his comments implying that Bill and I have somehow "pimped out" my dear (yet hideous) daughter, Chelsea. This of course has never been our intention ... nor do we believe that this is an accurate depiction of our use of Chelsea.

I mean, I think we have been pretty transparent. We are blatently PROSTITUTING her ... we are not PIMPING her ... I mean we are absolutely taking money from anyone that wants to DO our daughter. I know she's not much to look at ... but she's really smart. And how many people can claim to actually have plugged the daughter of an ex-president? A few too many have beaten around the BUSH (if you know what I mean), but aside from that I think that slinging on the daughter of a former president ought to be worth a pretty penny. Don't you?

Bill and I are really hopeful that this fund raising technique will result in my campaign paying back the five million bucks that we shamlessly lent. Not that this really puts a dent in our net worth ... Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha HA ... you stupid citizens. You keep making me rich, and I keep advocating socialism. Isn't that ironic?

More Thoughts on Monica, Bill, and Me

As many of you know, much has been made of my comments on the Tyra Banks show a couple of weeks back. I was asked about my feelings on the whole "Lewinsky thing" ten years hence, and I responded, "I really had to dig down deep and think hard about what was right for me, what was right for my family."

Often on the campaign trail, women approach me and ask me how the hell staying with Bill is right for anybody? I guess I can understand how people are confused. So let me just be really clear here in the no B.S. zone.

First, I don't give a shit about Bill. I never did. He has been a sexual predator as long as I have known him, but I found his complete lack of regard for anything other than his own hedonistic pursuit of daily pleasure to be refreshing. There is sort of a despicable honesty about it, and I knew deep down that he would ultimately find a way to use this moral neutrality to propel him to the top of something ... although I must admit that I always expected him to be some kind of crime boss rather than President of the United States.

So, I just intended to ride his coattails into some level of fame and fortune and then move on. But then two things happened: his rise to the top far exceeded my expectations, AND I grew larger and less appealing to anyone (man, woman, or beast) over time.

In that context, my ONLY chance of being President is to stick with him. I mean it's tough enough running as a woman ... but to run as a single woman with no hope of attracting a mate of any type would frankly be impossible. And if I don't get to be President, I have no hope of implementing a new US governement structure that I think of as the USSA (United Socialist States of America). And without a USSA in place, I have no way of rising to wield absolute power over the 300 million Americans out there, which of course is my aspriation.

So the bottom line is that I need Bill. I care about him only in the sense that I respect his capacity for ruthless wrongdoing. I learn from him everyday. And since I keep his nads in a small box, I now have at least some small measure of control over him. Clear?

TFH