IOWA!

Well Iowans, today is your day. It is your day to make the next four years mine. Why should you hand this country over to me? You need to look no farther than the website for that jackass, Rush Limbaugh. He has been such a pain in my train-sized caboose for years now, but I have to admit that when he comes out of his drug-induced fog, he is quite capable of speaking the truth. Go check it out. Right there in black and white he explains my greatest credential. He just puts it right out there - I am Bill Clinton's wife.

Now poor old Rush thinks he is doing me a disservice by suggesting that my greatest strength is that I was Bill's wife when he was President. But here in the "No-B.S. Zone" (sorry Bill O'Reilly), I can explain to all of you why Rush is actually helping me. You see, a great many Americans are stupid. In fact compared to me, the vast majority of Americans are barely out of the primordial ooze, and they actually think that if I am elected President that I'm going to let Bill call the shots for me from the background. So it's like ... another eight years of keg parties and sex with interns in the white house! Woohoo! Another Internet bubble is coming! Yeehah! Rush is falling right into the trap of thinking that Americans are actually capable of sophisticated thought. Ironically, Republicans always do that. They try to speak rationally to the ignorant masses.

In fact one of my greatest fears is that Mike Huckabee might actually get the Republican nomination. I mean I feel pretty good about bringing the Mormon to his knees. That would be child's play. And the Mayor? Come on. The ignonrant masses are so susceptible to rumor mongering about connections to organized crime that it's pathetic. I think nearly fifty percent of U.S. voters think the Sopranos was a reality show. But Mike Huckabee? How do I fight that? The logic behind his candidacy is even crazier than that behind mine! It would be like running against a cartoon character. And he campaigns completely without logic just like I do. So that would be a tough race.

So, Iowans .... caucus for me. And if you can't caucus for me, then caucus for Mitt Romney!