Hip Checking The Rest of 'em

Wow. What a race it's been so far. I gotta tell ya'll (several southern state primaries are coming up next week), that I feel like I was rode hard and put up wet the last few nights (if only I was so lucky). O'Lama is really putting up more of a fight than I expected. And what about those idiot Repube-licans?!?! They are killing each other off before I even get a shot at them!

It's getting pretty brutal across both parties. But make no mistake, I will use any means possible to win this primary and this election. I will do anything or anyone. I love the smell of napalm in the morning! I was born for this shit! Go ahead, make my day! Like Don Imus said, Bill and I will poison a public water supply if that helps somehow ... or maybe we'll just do it for fun!

And what about the sheer audacity from the Junior Senator from Illinois ignoring my attempt to shake hands with him? What's up with that?!?! Next time that happens, I will absolutely bitch-slap that disrespectful chump. I mean, I have professional training to deal with these rough and tumble tactics. Some of you may not know that I played professional hockey for several years in Canada. As you might expect, a pair of hips like mine go a long way toward nailing wussy boys like O'Lama up against the glass.

Stay outa my way, O'Lama ... and get ready to rumble, McCain.

TFH

Yipping and Yapping

Do any of you remember that old cartoon from the seventies in which Spike the bulldog is constantly pestered by this little wussy terrier named Chester? Here they are. Well, the reason that I bring it up, is that lately John Edwards is reminding me of that little dog, Chester. What a pussy! He just keeps scampering around, nipping at my heels, wasting campaign funds. So annoying. I'm starting to think of him as the Ron Paul of the Democratic primaries ... only not as crazy. I mean sure ... he's more QUALIFIED than O'Lama and I are COMBINED ... but NO ONE is going to actually vote for him. He has no sack.

Now, O'Lama on the other hand may indeed have a couple of bowling balls rattling around between his legs ... but everyone knows what I did with Bill's nads. More on that later.

TFH

Me? Defensive?

A dear friend recently told me that I was sounding defensive on this blog right before I had her killed. Now, I can't say that I regret my action ... but I have had time to reflect. Perhaps I HAVE been a bit defensive ... I mean after all, I have been defending myself against accusations that I am Satan ... accusations that O'Lama is kicking my easy to target ass ... accusations that I have been race baiting ... accusations that I blinked away false tears to get the sympathetic grandmother vote up in New Hampshire (the "Granite State" my ass ... more like the "Waaaaah-nite" state).

So, have I been defensive? I guess I f'n earned it didn't I? So, true or not ... don't let me catch you talking about it.

I Am Not Satan

There are some right wing conspiracy whacko talk radio guys out there that have asserted that I am Satan ... or in other cases that I am the Anti-Christ. Allow me to address these accusations separately.

First, in regard to the accusation that I am Satan. This is simply absurd. Does anyone think that Satan, with the nearly unlimited power that he no doubt has, would choose to house himself in a body like mine? Or even more ridiculous, that he would take Bill as his spouse and lover? Come on! Satan would no doubt surround himself with a daily supply of nubile virgins. And I can tell you that if I WAS Satan, that this big booty I lug around everyday would be a lot smaller.

Second ... me the Anti-Christ? For starters, I have absolutely no interest in rebuilding the Temple of Solomon. What the HELL would I do with that? In fact, when I am elected I will ramp down US support of Israel, befriend Iran, and immediately pull all troops from Iraq. I fully expect that Arabs will overrun Israel like white on rice before 2010 (just some subliminal race baiting for those of you who were not paying attention). And that is just fine with me. After raising taxes, eliminating all incentive for economic success, and accelerating the country's demise into a third world power, I will be seen as a hero when I become an ally of Hezbollah.

Now, having said all of that, I do NOT deny that the big man down below may smile a bit on my candidacy. I think that might be part of the reason that I whooped up so bad on Obama in Las Vegas. If I hadn't won the gamblers and prostitutes voting block I just might have lost in Nevada. It was a real squeaker!

My Target Audience

Some friends of mine that have actually accomplished something in their lives tell me that there is a concept of a "target market" in business. It seems that the idea is that a business should choose which customers that it wants to attract. This collection of customers would be the targeted audience for any messages that the business wishes to communicate. For example, if I am selling lesbian porn films, I might want to target lesbians ... or Bill tells me that I might want to target overweight middle-aged men.

Well I've been thinking a lot about this idea lately. In fact I actually kind of stumbled on to the idea when I broke into tears last week. It turns out that my target audience in New Hampshire was old women that would sympathize with me if I cried. Who'd a'thunk it? Your grandmother is a target audience for me.

But I probably can't get elected by just crying on the night before election day in every state across the country. I mean, maybe I could, but I can't count on the crying strategy. I need to broaden my target audience. By focusing more carefully on stupid people, I should have a good chance. The Repube-licans always get this wrong with their sophisticated policies and everything. For example - I put this senseless set of economic turnaround plans out there last week and SO MANY PEOPLE thought I was brilliant! Here is an actual example of a response from "Pat", a VOTER that commented on the website:

Hillary "really" cares about the common man/women's struggle, in thease turbolent economic times

Now THAT is a target audience!! OH ... MY ... GOD ... winning will be so easy.

Sunday Blahs

Oh boy. The last few days have been so tiring. But I haven't cried for a couple of days now ... I'm storing up the tears for when I really need them. Like the next time that the polls show Obama to be ahead of me. Or maybe the next time that some conservative journalist publicly observes some painful truth about me ... you know like publicly reminding everyone that I'm a socialist. I mean, I never really expected that crying thing in New Hampshire to actually work. I was desperate. I thought of it the night before when Bill was on his knees in front of me whimpering and crying about wanting his nuts back. Of course I didn't give them back, but I did feel sorry for him for a few seconds.

And speaking of ballbusters - I noticed that Ann Coulter's father died this last week. This is of course sad news except to the extent that it somehow causes that bitch extreme pain. I mean the less we hear from her, the better off we'll all be. She's one of the few neocon shitheads that actually has a brain. Luckily she speaks in terms that most voters can't really understand. Such a classic Republican mistake - actually believing that logical and rational arguments make a difference. Contrast that with my crying, or Obama's senseless outbursts of enthusiasm. Need I say more?

But the main value to me of Mr. Coulter's death is that it offers us some insight into what these F'n conservative bastards are made of. For example she cites her father's iron clad argument against abortion - "If it's a life, it's a life." If a kid like Ann Coulter grows up in a household with irrefutable values like that, how can we liberals possibly win the argument of convenient abortions? There's only one way ... we have to undermine the values of children through the public school system ... much like the Chinese and Soviets have done over the years. See? Many lessons can be learned investigating the upbringing of our arch enemies. It can help us set our entire legislative agenda!

BTW - congrats to the Patriots and the Packers! (I root for anyone who is winning at the moment in order to gain some level of affiliation with the fans. And boy oh boy are sports fans a good target for Democrats or what!? Idiots!).

Ridiculous Repube-licans

I just watched the repube-lican debate. What a crew!! Two crazies, Two fogies, a Mor-man, and a NY gangster. We Dems could nominate Karl Childer (Billy Bob's character from Sling Blade) and still win. In fact, I might start talking that way just for grins.

"mmmm .... mmmm .... better call the herst for Mitt Romney. mmmm .... mmmm .... why does Rudy Giuliani talk like one o' them pretty boys? mmmm .... mmmm .... how did Fred Thompson get out o' them mummy wrappers?"

Part of me really wants John McCain to win the nomination. That would make me the YOUNG candidate! No wonder he understands the constitution so well. I think he WROTE parts of it. I mean I know that some folks would say that I look kind of old too. But at least I'm working on it - I wear a shitload of makeup. And did you guys know that I've had a lot of cosmetic surgery? That 90210 guy did the work. I've had a boob job ... implants to firm up my ass (can't you tell?) ... and I had my tongue clipped like Gene Simmons from KISS. I like how it makes me look like a snake. You know ... it's a Satan worshipper thing.

And BTW - I am really surprised that this hasn't come up. I mean Huckabee is under fire for being an evangelical ... Romney is attacked for being a Mor-man ... and FINALLY, just today I heard someone talking about Obama's connection to the Chicago Church of Black Panthers. But really no one has brought up the fact that I sacrifice goats and drink their blood on Sundays. I suppose this will eventually come up. But I'll be ready .... I have an impressive supply of voodoo dolls.

TFH

The Bitch is Back!

Oh yeah ... Uh huh ... That's what I'm talkin' about. Back when my friend Al Gore was inventing the Internet, I was rockin' out to Elton John, one of my favorite girly-men of all time.

So here we are, ladies. With almost half of all women democratic voters in New Hampshire supporting me, we have proven that it's us against them. Men are slovenly cheating bastards anyway (at least in my experience). And for those of you who never studied biology, two X chromosomes are all that we need to create women. So when Al Gore and I are done inventing human cloning, we won't need men at all.

But I do have to say something to the ladies of New Hampshire. I am surprised and disappointed that it took my teary eyed display of self pity on the national news to get your attention. I mean come on. You guys apparently rallied around me because I was acting weak?! I mean, don't get me wrong. I'll act any way that you want in order to get your vote no matter how demeaning it is. You want me to open a coke bottle with my ass? I'll do it. You want me to compete on Survivor and eat some combination of worms and gasoline? I'll do it. Anything to put me in office.

But really, New Hampshire women ... you want me to be weak? Have some self-respect.

I almost cried today ....

Yeah, that's right. I teared up like George W(uss) Bush. It seems like the shrill voiced attempt to seem as tough as nails isn't working out like I expected. I guess the bull dyke faction of the left wing isn't quite as dominant as I had thought. So here in the final hours before the New Hampshire primary, I thought I would try something different. I'll appear sensitive ... slightly vulnerable ... almost female even. In fact, I made a truce with John Edwards for just a few hours, and he gave me some tips. You know what? If I was straight, I might even be kind of attracted to Johnny if he wasn't so F'n stupid. But I'll take a tubby, dishonest, smart criminal over a slender, honest bonehead any day. Well, so long as I don't have to "do" him or anything.

Yo Mama, Obama

Okay, I have had just about enough of this. Obama's poll numbers are getting stronger and stronger ever since that Iowa fiasco. What are you people thinking? I was supposed to walk away with this goddamned nomination without any serious opposition. I didn't even know there were any blacks in Iowa until a few weeks ago. How the hell did he pull that off?

I mean, sure, he's an attractive black man (or whatever kind of Kenyan blend he is), he's capable of giving a rousing speech, his platform is clear, and his positions are rational. But what the hell does any of that have to do with being President?! Just because I let my emotions get the best of me and I scream like Howard Dean sometimes doesn't mean I'm crazy like he is. And just because my voting record in the senate has been carefully choreographed to ensure that you can't understand what I really think doesn't mean that my agenda isn't good for America. I mean, come on people! If you want a socialist nation, I am a MUCH better choice than Obama. I have been methodically planning the future of the United Socialist States of America (USSA) since this friggin' upstart was in diapers (literally). I knew more about how to achieve a radical change in government than Obama does back when I was in college deifying the work of Saul Alinsky!

Okay. I need to take a deep breath. Sorry. My head was about to start spinning like Linda Blair's in the Exorcist. Oh wait. You youngster Obama supporters won't even know what the Exorcist is. Well, it was about this girl, and she was possessed by the devil ... uh ... oh, well never mind (click here if you want to buy a tshirt with a picture of me on the front and a message to all of my opponents on the back).

Let me just say this. Vote for me, New Hampshire. Or you will live to regret it.

Personality Deficit Disorder

Okay. So I friggin' lost in Iowa. Sure, I curled up in the fetal position and cried like an Oprah Winfrey guest for a little while. But twelve or thirteen hours later I climbed up out of my hole and I got over it. I was ready to put on my plastic grimace that passes for a smile and force myself to go rub elbows with these backwoods voters of New Hampshire ("Live Free or Die," they say. I say go ahead and die. The country will be better off without you).

But then holy mother of Jesus! I read the NY Times this morning, and I see that they're sticking a red hot poker up my ass! (How's THAT for a mental image?) They claim that one of my so-called advisers told them that I have a "personality deficit" compared to Obama. Well I can tell you one thing. I'm going to ferret out whoever the rat-bastard was that said that and cut off his nuts. I'll keep them in the same little box that I've kept Bill's in ever since that Monica thing. And as for the NYT writers, Patrick Healy and John Broder? Well, they better watch each others' backsides. I know what to do with a red hot poker too. And I thought that liberal rag was in MY corner.

Well, I don't need them. My plot to take over the country and turn it socialist won't be stopped by a goddamn newspaper. Come to think of it, I'll make sure that my health care for everyone plan excludes anyone that works for the Times.

IOWA!

Well Iowans, today is your day. It is your day to make the next four years mine. Why should you hand this country over to me? You need to look no farther than the website for that jackass, Rush Limbaugh. He has been such a pain in my train-sized caboose for years now, but I have to admit that when he comes out of his drug-induced fog, he is quite capable of speaking the truth. Go check it out. Right there in black and white he explains my greatest credential. He just puts it right out there - I am Bill Clinton's wife.

Now poor old Rush thinks he is doing me a disservice by suggesting that my greatest strength is that I was Bill's wife when he was President. But here in the "No-B.S. Zone" (sorry Bill O'Reilly), I can explain to all of you why Rush is actually helping me. You see, a great many Americans are stupid. In fact compared to me, the vast majority of Americans are barely out of the primordial ooze, and they actually think that if I am elected President that I'm going to let Bill call the shots for me from the background. So it's like ... another eight years of keg parties and sex with interns in the white house! Woohoo! Another Internet bubble is coming! Yeehah! Rush is falling right into the trap of thinking that Americans are actually capable of sophisticated thought. Ironically, Republicans always do that. They try to speak rationally to the ignorant masses.

In fact one of my greatest fears is that Mike Huckabee might actually get the Republican nomination. I mean I feel pretty good about bringing the Mormon to his knees. That would be child's play. And the Mayor? Come on. The ignonrant masses are so susceptible to rumor mongering about connections to organized crime that it's pathetic. I think nearly fifty percent of U.S. voters think the Sopranos was a reality show. But Mike Huckabee? How do I fight that? The logic behind his candidacy is even crazier than that behind mine! It would be like running against a cartoon character. And he campaigns completely without logic just like I do. So that would be a tough race.

So, Iowans .... caucus for me. And if you can't caucus for me, then caucus for Mitt Romney!

Crossroads

For those of you that come here first for your Hillary updates, I hope you will click over to HillaryClinton.com and take a look at my new video, Crossroads. Mostly because I spent a buttload of money putting that together, and I better sure as hell get a return on it. And I can tell you it takes F'n hours of work with the special effects people to make my face appear human. So if we don't get enough hits, I'm going to fire Mark Penn and tell Bill it's okay to date his daughters.

Now as you know, I have to speak in a secret code when I do promotions on that other site. But as I have promised, there will be no B.S. here. So let me elaborate here on some of my key points in the video to help you decipher my words:

Faltering Economy
In my attempt to frighten poorly educated people, I referenced the faltering economy. Many of you have not discerned any economic trouble in this country. In fact, you may have heard well known economist Larry Kudlow describe what overall is a twenty five year long economic expansion in the United States. Or maybe you have been told that the unemployment rate in this country is currently near an all time low. Do not be deceived by facts! Karl Marx has taught us that we must destroy the status quo in order to bring a managed economy to life. In addition to scaring people who can't read (yet are still registered voters), I need the fallacy of a faltering economy to remain on the lips of liberals everywhere as a platform on which to build the new USSA (United Socialist States of America for those of you not yet familiar with the acronym).

Cowboy Diplomacy
Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I used this clever term to describe that idiot Bush's approach to international affairs. I am one funny bitch. I am sure that all of you could easily discern this from my video. However, there is also something else behind these words. I HATE MEN. The very idea of a "cowboy" just chaps my ample ass. This American icon has been glorified for the last time. When I am president, I will introduce legislation that provides for any boy over the age of eight caught dressing like a cowboy or playing with a toy gun to be gelded. The current supplies available in sperm banks should last us for a century. And I will ensure that cloning (of women) is legalized before the end of my first term anyway.

Reform Our Government
I mentioned in the video my aspiration to reform our government. I already touched on this. But just know in the future that anytime I say "reform our government" or "bring about reform" or "change the status quo", what I really mean is that I will institute a form of socialism and rename the country as the USSA.

Work My Heart Out
I used this strange sounding phrase instead of saying, "work my ass off". Or more tamely, "work my tail off". This was an awkward attempt on my part to sound kind of folksy without inadvertently bringing any attention to the size of my tail section. I am sure that many of you ladies can relate to my personal embarrassment. And for any of you skinny bitches with cute little tushies, F you. I don't want your vote.

The Great 2008

I shore do hope ya'll have a great 2008! 'Lectin me to the office of prezdent will go a long way toward that ... (just practicing my accent in preparation for the South Carolina primary later this month. I guess at this point I would be wasting my precious time courting those ass-backwards Iowans or those libertarian freaks in New Hampshire).

But let me get down to business. I have launched this blogsite today because I know that all of my fans ... I mean all of America's voters ... are just tired of the B.S. And this site is dedicated to the cold hard truth. That is my promise to you. When you read this site as we progress into the frenzy of this 2008 election, you can come here for facts ... for honesty ... and most of all, you can come here for insights into my innermost thoughts, insecurities, and brilliant insights about why this great country should take its rightful place in history by evolving into the United Socialist States of America (USSA). As the small number of you with an intellect and education one half as sophisticated as mine will know, my views on this topic essentially mirror those of Karl Marx, pitting me directly against capitalism and every other value that has to date made this country great. For those of you who kind of squinted your eyes and struggled to fight your way through the previous sentence ... just trust me. I plan to take money from the rich people and give it to you.

So with that as a platform to build on for the rest of the year, let's tackle an issue that is out there right now. The right wing conspiracy guys are at it again. They are out there trying to scare you by telling you that I don't have the experience that is needed to run the United States government. Well let me just take that head on - they are absolutely right, and it scares the crap out of me. It makes me so stressed that I have been eating chocolate for months. Which is probably evident to all of you as my ass approaches a size sufficient to make it one of the top twenty economies of the world. But I say Big F'n Deal. My lying cheating husband is even more of a dishonest crook than I will ever be, and look what he was able to do. And who else will you so-called voters put into this office? Let's see ... here are your realistic choices: A black democrat, a southern wussy boy democrat, a Mormon republican, or a former mayor who makes my husband look like a choir boy. So yeah ... I am about as unqualified as they come, but what else are you going to do? And besides, lack of experience has never stopped you knuckleheads before, so why should it now? I say we might as well have a woman with a big booty. Bring on the chocolate.